Dear Lance,

I have had a hard few months, and now coming out of dark into a lighter spot!  Thank God...Cancer is everywhere I look, my friend has breast cancer, Will's best friend has Melanoma and is now going through chemo.  I experienced a deep depression that I had a hard time coming out of.  Flash backs of Rusty's last year - so much grief.  I felt so completely helpless for my friends, who are suffering through their Cancer journey.  Then I had the idea to make a "comfort basket"  for Will's friend with Melanoma and guess what?  I immediately started to feel better, it is so true THE BEST WAY TO GET OUT OF SELF IS TO BE OF SERVICE TO SOMEONE ELSE!  Now I am gathering comfort items and I will make some baskets to take to Loma Linda where Rusty did his chemo - Into Action! It feels so good.   I put chap-stick, cooling pads for headache, gator aid to keep hydrated, lotion for the dry skin, lemon drops for the sour taste in your mouth, energy bars for the long hours you wait, - still working on comfort ideas...Then I found a wonderful pinwheel on Pinterest (the cyber world) which gave me an idea.  I have tons of wire and beads in the store from my "before Rusty died" life so I am going to make funky bead and wire trees for the garden that will spin and catch light, Will is helping to figure out the stake part to insert into the ground,  and I can  sell them - sending all proceeds to Cancer research.  All in my mind still - I will send you a picture of the first one!  Here is the fabulous part, I am not helpless!  There is plenty I can do and can feel excitement coming back to me....What a miracle!   I love you son 

Dear Son, Merry Christmas

Who does this remind you of?  Kennedy can't wait for Santa! 

 Sending Love, Strength, Courage, and Peace...

Dear Son,

Wow!  Where does the time go? It just flies by...

 I have just turned 50, you have just turned 31!  Amazing....

I enjoyed are visit so much..

You look so wonderful and I am so proud of you and the choices you are making

When my friends ask me, "how is it visiting your son in Prison?"  My answer is always the same....

I can remember one year when I did not hear from you at all

Another year you were living under a bridge in LA

Another year you phoned me from some place back East, you were freezing, had no money, no shoes, and no coat!  It was Christmas Eve and I was sobbing on the phone with the train and bus people begging for a ticket for you.  We got one and you came back

I have picked you up from, written to and taken collect calls from a number of California facilities 

Twin Towers
Colinga
Wayside
Orange County
Theo Lacy 

And more I can't remember or didn't know about

So, my visits with you, for me, are a JOY!  You are healthy, not on drugs, sleeping, eating, have clear eyes, can speak of the future without nodding off and you have shoes!  Blessings  I say...Further more,  you made me a Grandma before you were sent to Prison, another blessing, as I am in love with Kennedy...

Acceptance

Dear Son,
This passage has served me well, I keep it at home, at the office, and in my wallet - I will send you the complete chapter from the Big Big AA...Finally I "got it" The only person I can change is ME!

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior " Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

Are You Enough?

Dear Lance, 

They way we talk to ourselves is life changing!

For so long my self talk was like this
You are so fat
You are such a loser
Why can't I look like her
Why can't I be like her
I am worthless
I will never be good at anything
I will never be happy 
And on and on.....

Today my self talk is like this
I am beautiful just as I am
I am enough
I am OK
God loves me
I can do it
I will do it
I am loved 

What a miracle is was to learn SELF TALK  

I pray for your self talk to lighten you, free you, bring a smile to your face and happiness to your soul...

Take out the Trash!

Dear Son,

One of my most valuable lessons!

You know how living on the Ranch, we had NO City Trash pick up? Well that was a huge problem for me. Rusty and I would fight about it all of the time. Get rid of that trash! Once every two months or so, if we were lucky, Rusty would put that crazy wood box, and it would be completely over full spilling out everywhere, the dogs usually found some too by now! I would get so mad over that trash...

In one of my counselling sessions I was ranting and raving about this trash and how Rusty was making me miserable with all of this trash! Nancy, my councilor, just listened and nodded, when I finished my rant she asked me, "how come you don't take care of the trash?" I sat in stunned silence, it had never occurred to me to just handle it. That night when Rusty came home, I told him I was going to order trash service if the trash could not be taken every three weeks. He was mad! Rusty did not like to spend money on such frivolous things when he could do it himself, I did not respond to him, did not argue about it, and would you believe, the very next day that trash was gone? The trash was faithfully taken away from then on until Rusty got so sick and I ordered trash service....

We always have choices, and we do not have to settle....

Love you forever

Happy Fathers Day

Dear Lance,


I had a wonderful visit with you! When I think back to the times when I did not know where you were, or how you were living, I thank God that you are still alive, even though prison is not a place where a parent wants to see their kids - you are alive, you look good, we laugh, hug and talk!

While at the cabin we watched a movie called Courages, it was a wonderful movie about being a Father. I have saved the movie for you and it now goes on my list of books/movies that are life changers.

There is so much responsibility to being a parent and fathers carry a huge load... I found this wonderful article which I will share with you, it was called The Responsible Fatherhood Curriculum and has great articles with tons of information.

Introduction to Responsible Fatherhood
What Are My Values?
Boys to Men: Experiencing Manhood
The Art of Communication
Fathers as Providers
Noncustodial Fathers: Rights and Responsibilities
Developing Values in Children
Coping as a Single Father
Dealing with Children’s Behaviors
Relationships: Being a Friend, Partner, Parent, and Employee
Understanding Male-Female Relationships
Managing Conflict and Handling Anger
Handling Anger and Conflict on the Job
Surviving on the Job
The Issue of Race/Racism Part I
The Issue of Race/Racism Part II
Taking Care of Business
Managing Your Time and Money
Building a Support Network: Who’s on Your Side?
Alcohol and Drug Use and Abuse Part I
Alcohol and Drug Use and Abuse Part II
Healthful Eating

I know that you are going to be a wonderful Father to Kennedy and I love you so much!