Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Prison Road

What an adventure!  It took 9 hours to get to Folsom and I found out that my cousin lives 6 miles from the prison!  She graciously offered us dinner and a bed we gladly accepted. Had fun catching up and getting a glimpse of some wonderful, warm hearts...

Early next morning, Easter Sunday I called the prison visitor hot line and they were NOT on lock down, we were going in!  Folsom is a beautiful area with lush greenery,  lakes, waterfalls and wild turkeys!.... We arrived, parked in a huge parking lot that was not crowded. Easter is not a big visiting day?  The prison itself - large grey sprawling buildings - we find the visitor processing building, fill out our forms for visiting and check in...They have many rules of what you can wear and what you can bring in...Will's Levis being something you can not wear in!  Luckily they have a place called "family house"  where you can trade your clothes for something that works...Also had to trade his steel toe boots for slippers!! Now we are ready to go in - you take coats, shoes off  and place everything on a trey and go thru the detector, just like at the airport -  well I could not get through without it going off.  They tell you not to wear bras with wire, which I did not, but for whatever reason this bra was not going to work and they were not letting me in!  I was starting to panic, I have driven all this way to see my son and I might not see him... I remembered I had another sports bra in the car, I went out again got it and traded, this bra worked!  We were led now to a bus and taken to about 4 stops Lance's "bunker" C - we get off bus to go thru another processing room!!!  Finally led to a large cafeteria looking room with small tables and chairs...Vending machines everywhere!!  Normal diet there has no sugar or caffeine...so when you visit the inmates they love to have vending food!  It took Lance awhile to come out but he did....With tears streaming down my face we hugged long and hard...he looks good, thin....we talked and talked...So many people sent hugs and prayers for me to give him, one of my favorite friends, who has known lance for many years asked me to send her love and to ask Lance what his wildest dream is, to hold it, think about it with no need to share it....I delivered this message with great joy in my heart! we ate from vending machines, laughed and it was so good!!!  At 2:00 visiting hours are over and we had to say goodbye... I am so glad we made the trip it is so important for me to show my son that I have not given up and that I  love him....

Saturday, April 23, 2011

on my way

Dear Son,

I called the prison they are not on lockdown!  I am on my way, think it will take about 8 hours, stay in a hotel near the prison and go in - visiting hours are 9:30-2:30 - God is with me, right here!  As our good friend Karen has reminded me, see you soon....

I love you,


Friday, April 22, 2011

April 22, 2011 Dear Son,

I am getting ready to visit - Sacramento State Prison!  I am scared, excited, and giving the journey to God! Easter Sunday I will be waiting in line to see my beautiful Son....  

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Love this!

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Christopher Columbus

Friday, April 15, 2011

April 15, 2011 Dear Son

Your Dad

The circle of life is an amazing thing....When I am with your son he reminds me so much of when you were a baby...Such a beautiful baby with those big brown eyes and crooked smile!  I find myself  thinking allot of your dad and how much he is missing, not getting to know Kennedy  - he does not know he is a grandfather!  I was thinking I never really told you the good of him.

When I  met your dad we instantly connected, he was very good looking, with large grey eyes, very tall and broad of shoulder... I was young - 17 or 18 not out of high school yet and he was 21 or 22.   He lived in his moms house in San Bernardino, a nice house - Spanish style with a great yard!   His mom and dad had divorced when he was young and he never saw his dad...His mom was living in Greece they were Greek, your dads grandma lived down the street and loved your dad - she called him Johny and kind of mothered him.  She and I became good friends and when you were born, oh she just loved you so much - you called her ya ya...Your dad worked construction and he liked it...He loved food, long drives, movies, reading the paper, and books, he was smart, liked to figure things out...Even though we were young and dysfunctional we had some pretty good times...I think when things became to overwhelming he ran like his father did.  I want you to know that he was and is a good man...You do not have to repeat this cycle!  Try not to think of how much you are missing or the thoughts of failing.  I know the Man you are, I see the Father you will be...I loved your dad and when I hold Kennedy I am so grateful for those two young dysfunctional kids who tripped into parenthood with you!

Love Mom

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April 13, 2011 Dear Son,

I was a lier, cheat and  thief!  
I wanted my life to seem better so I made up stories to make it better.
 I wanted my life to seem better so  I took what was not mine.

  I wanted the pain to go away so I lied 
I wanted the pain to go away so I stole
I wanted the pain to go away so I cheated 
I was broken~

Today I asked God to help me 

Today I was honest
Today I did not cheat
Today I did not steal

One Day At Time

Love Mom

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Daring to attempt difficult things that are good.  Strength not to follow the crowd, to say no and mean it and influence others by it.  Being true to convictions and following good impulses even when they are unpopular or inconvenient.  Boldness to be outgoing and friendly...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

April 2, 2011 Dear Son,

I am thinking today about when  I first came into recovery and how little I knew,  I knew nothing of self love and I really believed that "YOU" could help me and make me happy. I put the responsibility of my happiness and well being onto everyone and every thing else...Wow! Did I have that wrong...

Drinking could make me happy
Drugs could make me happy
Sex could make me happy 
Food could make me happy
Cigarettes could make me happy
Relationship could make me happy
Drama could make me happy
Being thin could make me happy 

It took me many years to understand - I can't change you I can only change me; That there is not enough of any of the above to make me happy; That I had to look in to heal, not out; That there is a God who loves me; That I needed to Pack my own chute, meaning - I had to take responsibility for my life!  Stop Blaming, and start loving....


This was a huge lesson for me I am passing this on to you 

Love Mom