Today I was driving with Reef in the car, doing some errands for the company and it was such a great feeling, he is doing so good and becoming a wonderful man....I was so proud and happy I just let the feeling wash over me, and then tonight in Yogo, I was thinking of you and how I had that same feeling with you - remember when we were shopping with Grandma by the beach? We had picked you up from a sober living home - you were sober, I was sober, I remember being so proud of you and so happy that you were laughing and smiling as we lugged purchases around and made fun of Grandma...That was one of the hardest years for me before you went to jail, you were on the streets doing heroin, calling me from crazy places, freezing cold with chattering teeth at a bus stop or not calling me at all! I was so scared that you were going to die out there. I was always secretly happy when you would go to jail because then I knew you were being fed, not on drugs, and sleeping in a bed, not under a bridge...So tonight I played a scene in my mind, with you and me in the car and Kennedy in the back seat. God, I could feel your happiness and we were on the way to the cabin! Sometimes I feel like life is made of movie clips, you know, like the different stages of our lives. To me, this is just a clip in your life, your prison clip, and I am so excited to see the whole movie!!!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Lance, my heart is breaking, they are taking Kennedy and moving to Las Vegas, the selfish part of me wants to rant and rave and say NO! Don't Go!.....The rational part of me sees that - this is their journey not mine! I see the housing opportunities, the good job, and that Jennifer will be able to stay at home and go to school! What a Miracle....They look so good, they look so ready, letting Go is so hard - but a must in this life...
So now - I must change and open to a new direction a new adventure - a new schedule to visit my Grandson in Las Vegas, and now I am seeing the excitement, the summer visits with Grandma to the Cabin, on the Ranch...This is doable - this is ok - I see my heart now, not breaking, expanding and opening!
Lance, I love you, I love the gift you have given me in Kennedy