Friday, February 25, 2011

Love You Forever!

Dear Son,

I have just sent you this wonderful book what great memories this book holds for both of us!  I will read it to Kennedy now too.

The story begins while a son has just been born. The story then continues through the life of the boy until he is a grown man. The mother continues to rock her son to sleep singing "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Later, the role is reversed and he holds his elderly mother and says "I'll love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be." At the very end of the story, he is the father of a little girl, rocking her to sleep singing the same song that his mother used to sing to him.

I will love you Forever,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Dear Son, February 24, 2011

 Reef is born, he is breech emergency surgery! Rusty kept falling asleep while your grandma paced up the aisles!   So life began with you, Brook and Reef, we did pretty good although I see now that both you and Brook needed more….Here is where a big red flag came – one I did not see until it was too late – I stopped going to meetings!  I guess I thought I didn’t need them anymore, I was WRONG…You see the “ism” waits in hiding and looks for the opportunity to strike and that’s exactly what happened!  On October 20th, 1992 at 3:00 in the morning the phone rang, (one of those it will never happen to us phone calls) I think it was my dad first, then the hospital calling.  I called mom who was already on her way to pick me up….My brother, your uncle Michael was in the hospital and he did not come home, he died on October 25 at about 3:00 in the afternoon.  I had no resolve against that first drink, It didn’t even occur to me not to drink, is all I knew was that I was in terrible pain and non of our family knew how to handle grief we were shrouded in pain and I needed to cover it up, so I did, and not like normal drinkers who may have a glass of wine, or a couple of beers, oh no my drinking – out of control thinking - hard to function drinking!  Now I did sort of keep a good face on as I kept working although this was the same time that our company business went under.  Thank God for Rusty – one night he just asked me to stay and to stop – and I did…  I went to Real Estate School worked part time for another agent, I was not drinking but I was not healthy either.    I did not know how to grieve I did not know how to show my children how to grieve.   So I ended up with my license working raising kids and trying my best to keep it together…I stopped drinking so hard but started working alcoholically which is a sickness believe me..I also picked up some other bad habits to get me through…This went on for about 6 years, just getting through!  Well like most alcoholic stories there usually is - what we call - a bottom, which I hit, not as hard as some, like prison or mental institutions but trust me hard enough! I must stop here, I am mailing these last letters to you tonight I love you so much I pray for your heart to feel JOY, JOY, JOY to someday have the freedom that I have now…

Love you forever, mom

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What is the definition of responsibility and dependability?

Responsibility (noun) the quality or state of being responsible: as a: moral, legal, or mental accountability. Dependability (adjective): capable of being depended on : reliable.

Ability without dependability has no value.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Got Family Values?

Self Reliance and Potential
Self Discipline and Moderation
Fidelity and Chastity
Loyalty and Dependability
Unselfishness and Sensitivity
Kindness and Friendliness
Justice and Mercy

What are yours?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Rusty and I were married on January 12, 1990 4:00 Pm University of Redlands Chapel… You were our ring bearer, a big beautiful wedding - a day I will never forget, the happiest of my life!  Although a wonderful happy time - another “penny short” for you  with all of the preparations for the wedding and the month long honeymoon you were once again put on the back burner.   Adjusting to Instant family with yours, mine and ours, a very hard adjustment and joining families is a fine tight rope act, one that I am sorry to say I was not very good at. Everyone needs attention, everyone needs to know they are loved, special and cared for.  Unfortunately I was too selfish and immature at that time to put resentments and jealousies to the side and put ALL the kids first…

At this point I am pregnant with Reef, who could have been a Sail!   Here is what I want you to know… My love for you was NEVER less just different!  Here I was cleaning up our lives, getting help, reaching out, going to meetings, and really in love for the very first time in my life. Rusty was a Quaker, something I did not know much about, also completely different from any other, mostly abusive relationships I had been in.   So gentle, peaceful, and consistent, teaching me lessons that are with me today, so you see, being pregnant with Rusty’s baby was a real love story for me, he really was my prince who saved me.   I had a job, he had a job, we had money, and we had this beautiful property that I absolutely loved, we were married, and it felt like I had the world by a tail!  I am sure you felt totally ignored and the truth is, you were put again on the back burner, I honestly did the best I knew how - it just wasn’t enough.   Ok I need to stop again - the next segment of our lives is about losing my brother, your uncle.  Good night son,
Love mom  

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Quote of the Day!

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. 

 ~Robert Fulghum~

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Youtube

Quote of the Day!

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself. 

 ~Joyce Maynard

Saturday, February 12, 2011

February 12, 2011 Dear Son,

Continuing our story - We moved up to the South Side!  Off of welfare with a job we could now afford a better place to live, a car, and insurance – well - a whole new life!  At this point you are in first grade, you have had allot of testing…I will say now that at that time I did not get the whole picture – denial had a huge part – and looking at yourself that closely is very painful - it has taken many years for me to see the whole picture…So you were put on medication for ADHD, you acted out allot – I know now that what you really needed was attention!  Parenting is extremely hard work you have to be 180 % on it!  Listing, hugging, playing, reading, teaching, I had so much to learn and I was probably only giving about 60%....That being said I would like to say  that I do give myself much credit for getting out and getting help, not everyone does….Again where you were concerned I seemed to always be a penny short…So you and I were settling in to a good routine of working, school, day care, meetings (which I took you to), parenting classes, counseling and in general clean living.  Then out of nowhere I meet Rusty, it took him a year to ask me out, I would see him at least once or twice a week at the office and we would talk and talk.  When I met Rusty I was healthier than I had ever been.  Rusty and I started to date and one thing led to another and he asked me to marry him!  I must stop here – as this story always makes me cry – I love you son and I pray for you every day…

Love mom

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Bla! Bla! Bla!

I lived many years not listening, not hearing and in complete denial.   I do believe denial has a purpose but be careful don't let it take over! it happens quickly like quick sand, your head will be buried and your life will not change!  You will be a victim of everyone and everything.  You will wonder why everything happens to you? Why you cant be happy?  You will have excuses for not doing not being not changing - you will believe these things as if they were your truths....

Believe me!  You can change, you can be joyous, happy and free
All you need is a little willingness, a little faith and a bit of self discipline too!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Information Please!

I remember the day I found the library - I knew about libraries, of course, as we went to the library regularly in grade school.  As crazy as this may sound - the library turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of my life!  I was able to learn about anything and everything - cooking, cleaning, trimming trees, pruning rose bushes, fertilizing, crafting, novels, taking care of pets, bird watching, fixing things, and all of this for FREE!    The library became my place; I went every Friday I went row by row.  It was in the library that I learned for the very first time in my life that I could just sit and be quiet.  Those were some of the best days of my life.  

Friday, February 4, 2011

If the best forecaster for future behavior
 is past behavior,
 what needs to happen?

Change, Change, Change!

February 4, 2011 Dear Son,

Now to continue our story – None of these changes were easy, and I could not have done it without help, asking for help is very hard to do and takes so much courage and when you ask for help you have to be prepared to follow thru!  My mom, once I stopped pushing away was and still is my biggest fan and helped me get into the National Education Center, where I really began to see potential in myself, gained self confidence, I was smart, I even was put on the Dean’s List!  Graduated top of my class!   Then there were the parenting classes! What a huge eye opener for me….Did you know – If you ask your child to do something and you get no response you should get up, walk over to the child, look them in the eye and ask again?  Yelling from the couch is not appropriate!  Who knew?  Reading to your child at night – hugging your child – telling your child how special, smart, and wonderful they are – actually going to the parent meetings at the school – my God I was working harder than I ever had in my life – trust me there were many times I wanted to give up but the thing is I had help now, once you reach out it is amazing what happens.  I had the support of my meetings, the school – my counselor – and The Family Connection, where we were both going…

 It was very hard to look at myself without any armor, seeing truths that were stuffed down so deep and covered with miles of denial!  To this day I continue to work on myself one major battle is with anger which many times in the past turned into Rage.

Out Of Control!

I will never forget the day I was watching Dr. Phil

 He was helping a young couple with their Out of Control kids

 His words made the hair on the back of my neck stand up!

If the parents are Out of Control the kids will be too!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Monkey See Monkey Do

Children are like this!  Everything they see you do, they will do, everything they hear you say, they will say..This is how they are learning how they will interact with the world....If you are screaming - they will scream - if you are hitting - they will hit...

Praise Praise Praise,  this is a SECRETE that no one tells you, children hear praise, they feel praise, So Easy!  Praise the good behavior!  

February 3, 2011 Dear Son,

I have so many thoughts running thru my head, sometimes I can’t sleep, there is so much I want to tell you and so little time with life pulling in so many directions. 

Tonight I want to write about guilt or maybe it is remorse – There were many times I drank and used to not feel the guilt and remorse which, of course, causes a cycle that I had no idea how to get out of!   I looked up the word guilt and the answer:  A cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes accurately or not-that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.  It is closely related to remorse which I looked up: Is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent.

I have felt both guilt and remorse and I have regrets – what I want you to know is that I do not wallow in my guilt, nor does it control my life today.  I believe some guilt and remorse are healthy in that it reminds me not to repeat those actions or decisions again.   Through healthy clean living I have been able to release, let go of – not shut the door completely but enough so I can be happy joyous and free!  I have made my amends to you and countless others who were in the middle of my storms. 

Most of my amends today are my ACTIONS, ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, MY EXAMPLE, how am I behaving how am I acting?