Thursday, March 31, 2011

March 31, 2011 Dear Son

I am planning a visit to see you, I am scared to see you behind the glass,  It so surreal to have your son in Prison. I knew someday you would be dead or in an institution and for sure I would rather you be alive!  I just never thought you would be gone for so long, missing so much... I remember when you once called from a pay phone back East you had no shoes and no coat you were freezing - it was winter and snowing!  You were  asking for a bus ticket back to LA...I was sobbing on the phone with the lady who was trying to help me get you a ticket.  That wonderful lady did help me and you were able to get back to LA. 

To say my son is in Prison is so shameful  - I hat to admit it, but it is the truth, and are we not, seeking to be honest and open?  I think of the other mothers with their sons or daughters in prison I wonder how they feel, do they feel guilty?  

I love you because you are mine, I love you because you are beautiful, I love you because you have an enormous heart!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Teach Honesty

Honesty with other individuals, with institutions, with society, with self.  The inner strength and confidence that is bred by exacting truthfulness, trustworthiness, and integrity...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

In memory of Rusty’s birthday

Click link for one of Rusty's favorite songs!

We learned to celebrate birthday’s together, one my favorite traditions!  We would take the whole day off, usually waking whenever, jumping into whatever clothes were hanging around and hitting a big breakfast, a meal so rich and fool of calories we would be drowsy before paying the tip, then back home for a nap or a little afternoon delight.  Then out again to explore the day maybe for a long drive in the mountains, or on occasion a trip to Costco, always a quick trip through Ontario Mills Mall to our favorite mineral shop for a gift - we would find the most interesting assortment of trinkets, after browsing we would pick out something, one year a piece of crystal, another year a Didgeridoo from Australia, another year a wood carving, I absolutely loved those trips!  Usually ending the day with a large wonderful steak, Rusty loved the Claim Jumper with family and friends…
I can see his smile now…So tonight we will celebrate with the boys at the Claim Jumper and I might just have a huge Steak!
Happy Birthday

Friday, March 25, 2011


The best way I know NOT "look at yourself" is to create as much chaos as possible around you! 
 Not unlike a tornado destroying everything in it's path...
I remember when I learned to just STOP!  
What Freedom...

Thursday, March 24, 2011


 This word is used every day for so many reasons, it is such a tiny word 
for the huge job it does.  It takes much courage to ask for HELP...There was a time when I thought I could do "IT" by myself, then came the time that I was crawling on the floor and knew I needed HELP
Thank God

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hillside's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in His heaven -
All's right with the world!
~Robert Browning

Saturday, March 19, 2011

March 19, 2011 Dear Son,

I woke at 3:00 A.M.  and in my mind was this,

I have survived…

Being slapped, pushed and beaten
Being humiliated and bullied
Being sexually abused
A Truly Evil Man
My two brother’s pain
My mother’s pain
Being chased by a car in an orange grove
Self doubt, self pity and self hatred
Being lied to
Being cheated on
Being a mother
My drug and alcohol abuse
Inappropriate relationships/promiscuous behavior
Two surgeries
My apartment burning down
Being fired
Suicidal depression
A car accident in Mexico
Stealing, lying and cheating
Many hours of intense therapy
My brother’s death
My grandmother’s death
My dad’s death
My mentor’s death
My husband’s death
I have survived in spite of ~not because of~
  I have scars;
I still struggle with using foods to comfort
I have a hard time using just One of anything
I lie sometimes
Ad infinitum…

I am not perfect I don’t know who is, Everyone you meet has a story, Everyone!  Some have survived, some have survived and thrived and some did not survive at all…
I dug in deep, started healing and stopped blaming… 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I found this book in the library and it is one of the books that changed my life...I never really looked at clutter as being anything but clutter.  I learned that clutter can zap your energy, distract you, keep you from moving forward and waste your time!  Plus I love the title!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

What a wonderful world!

Dear Son,

I get to visit Kennedy tomorrow, I am so excited, he is talking now and he says Grandma!  Of course I am the only one who can understand his word for Grandma.....JOY JOY JOY

I love you Lance

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dear Son, March 10, 2011

Dear Son,
This time in our lives is probably the hardest to write about because not only was this the happiest and most healing time but also a time of deep heartache….

So I hit my bottom – I just sort of fell apart, stopped functioning, and removed myself from life…I spent many hours wondering the property looking for answers, the thing is – they came, the answers, they came slowly but they came!  I called my counselor, and started back to meetings…I would like to say here that I was very fortunate to have Rusty and my family be so supportive and wonderful and that not everyone is able to just stop!  We really had to scrape by for awhile without my income and we had debt to pay off…I remember times in the grocery store when Rusty and I had $20.00 for the week and had to buy dog food too!  Honestly some of my most joyful memories when we were eating beans and rice for awhile….It did not take long before we got into a great routine, and I loved being home with the kids, although by now you were pretty much running amuck!  You were running away, stealing and the police were at the house quite often…I tried to reconnect with you but really you were already gone, involved with another family and friends who you felt apart of…I was called when you stole from Starters and the courts made you do community service – remember, I had to drive you early in the morning and pick you back up in the evening.   You did not graduate from High School and  Rusty even took you to Job Core where you signed up and joined – it would have been so wonderful for you, as they job train you, fed you, and helped you get your GED not to mention paid for medical and dental, but alas you could not stay you ran away from their too….Drugs and alcohol became your family and friends, you met heroin and then there were times when I would not hear from you for months, once for almost a year.  Jails and institutions became your home…For me this was an amazing time of healing I was learning about my addictions and learning how to set boundaries, that I did not need to say Yes to everything and everybody…I was working everyday outside on the property and I loved it!  I loved working with the trees and learning about everything!  Reef was thriving in this environment I was like a sponge, soaking up knowledge, I learned crafts, I quit smoking, Rusty even built a store to put my crafts in and we started to sell Christmas trees to the public with the little store open, it was an amazing time.  I was sponsoring women and really learning that the only person you can change is you and that acceptance really is life changing.  For the first time in my life I loved me!  Rusty, Reef and I started family night where we began reading “teaching your children values” To this day it was one of my most favorite books….Rusty worked on his contractor’s license, he studied and passed!!! Money started to come in and we began to go on trips, I had so much fun on these trips I had real JOY for the first time in my life, but always the sadness of you my son, and what would become of you?  I was also learning that your journey was yours, not mine that you were an adult making your own choices. My job now - to be an example, to be what I have learned, to give what has been given…

My life was once again changed when Rusty was diagnosed with Melanoma, stage 4  – our life,  from that day in August of 2004 until the  day he died, December 25th 2007, was all about saying goodbye with dignity and love!  So here we are now, both of our lives upturned and downturned I have survived, grown, and am thriving – you can too!  

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

It is in the thorough allowing of the grieving process that true healing occurs

Friday, March 4, 2011


Self-discipline is the key to success in virtually every aspect of life.  Whether you are pursuing career goals, improving your health
, changing personal habits, or looking for better ways to manage your home and relationships, your achievements and failures depend heavily on your ability to master impulses and stay the course.  Not everyone comes into adulthood with this skill in place. If a string of good intentions rather than accomplishments paves your past, take heart.  Self-discipline is a learned ability that can be strengthened and reinforced at any age.  

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

What a Concept!

Sometimes you do what is right
Because it is the right thing to do!