Monday, January 31, 2011

January 31, 2011 Dear Son,

The road to recovery, for me, a long bumpy journey. One of my friends took me to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, the group - Thank God were of my same age so I did not feel out of place. I new I needed help as my life was completely out of control, my apartment had just burned down, the relationship I was in just admitted he was selling meth, my choices were totally inappropriate, one morning waking in a place I did not recognize and I did not know where or with who I had left you! and most days I could not even open my window shads with depression moving in..Drugs were easier for me to walk away from than alcohol - As alcohol is legal and socially acceptable. Another huge problem for me was how was I going handle my feelings? For so long I could drug-drink-have a man-smoke-or eat my feelings away. Although none of these methods really worked anyways and caused more trouble and pain in my life. I finally did give up the alcohol too and started working with a sponsor, going to more meetings, and our life started to change. I started individual therapy with a woman who ended up really mentoring me and saving my life. My mom helped me get into a trade college and I also started parenting classes. This was allot to take in all at at once and good things did start to happen - I do believe that good living brings good living! I will say goodnight now and will write more tomorrow, sending my love, mom

Thursday, January 27, 2011

January 27, 2011 Dear Son

Well, like any drug and alcholic households we were typically disfunctional, we were on Wellfare, had foodstamps, cigeretts everywhere, drinking, parties, inappropriate babysitters, yelling and sometimes hitting. I did not know much about consistency, family values, or that teaching by example is the number one way kids learn and my example not so good! - this is not to say there wasn't some good because there was. We had fun, went fishing, camping, swimming, you had friends you played with. Who new kids should be in before 10:00 pm! I had plenty of anger and depression! We even had one of our apartments burn down when you about 4 years old, someone left a cigerette burning on a desk before we went camping - came home and everything we had was burnt or damaged. It did not ocurre to me then that maybe alcohol and drugs were to blame, oh no I blamed the world, I was an expert Victim, you learned your role from a pro. This was our life until you were about 7 and I found recovery, it took awhile but things did change and our life started to turn around, it just always seemed I was a penny short when it came to you. I am tired now and going to sleep more tomorrow. Good night son, Love mom

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

January 26, 2011 Dear Son,

I will be picking up your son this weekend, as I do every other weekend.  It takes me an hour to get there - I am committed to this... I am busy, I have a full time job, 12 acres, and a 19 year old at home! I have no excuses!  I will be present and accounted for!  Never have I felt such powerful and unconditional love.  I see you when I look at him - he looks just like you.  It is so hard to look into the past  and see so many mistakes. I take my part very seriously in his life.  Kids need to thrive in their life - not just get by or settle - You do not need to be rich to show love.

              ~ He will know he is loved ~ He will know he is smart ~
~ He will know he is special ~ 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dear Son, January 25, 2011

After my mom picked us up we stayed with her for awhile, but naturally the hole in my heart needed to be filled so off we went with another boyfriend.  I truly regret dragging you with me from relationship to relationship, little did I know that I was bruising your young heart.  Fortunately for us the one long relationship I did have was with a good man who really loved you - That is, until the drugs and alcohol took over!  I am an alcoholic and a drug addict, of course, at the time I did not know this truth.  So many things I can see so clearly now - You were labeled hyper active, ADHD, you were given medicine for it...  You only new one way to act - the way I showed you - loud and demanding!  You only wanted to be loved You were asking the only way you know how!   You needed to belong - we all need to belong and if we do not feel loved at home we will go find other family to love us, for you it was the "wrong" crowd in school.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

January 23, 2011 Dear Son,

My son, my beautiful son,
You were born on November 29th 1981, wow how time flies by! Big brown eyes, crooked smile...I was 19 years old, thought I knew it all-I knew nothing!  I met your dad at a concert, a Journey concert, he was gorgeous, tall, dark, and handsome.  I went home with him - me wild and broken as my own childhood full of robbers in the night, (for another blog)  I graduated from High School 3 months pregnant with you.  Always trying to fix the hole in my heart in all the wrong ways, I now know it was survival.  I loved you!  That's what I want you to know, I carried you for nine months, I had no idea what I was in for or how much your life changes with a child.  Your dad and I had a very stormy relationship neither of us ready for such a responsibility!  We got married, we got jobs, we tried, we fought, we were selfish, we did not put you first.  I know now that the children must come first! Your dad left for milk and cigarettes and did not come back, after a week a called my mom and asked for help.