Thursday, February 24, 2011

Dear Son, February 24, 2011

 Reef is born, he is breech emergency surgery! Rusty kept falling asleep while your grandma paced up the aisles!   So life began with you, Brook and Reef, we did pretty good although I see now that both you and Brook needed more….Here is where a big red flag came – one I did not see until it was too late – I stopped going to meetings!  I guess I thought I didn’t need them anymore, I was WRONG…You see the “ism” waits in hiding and looks for the opportunity to strike and that’s exactly what happened!  On October 20th, 1992 at 3:00 in the morning the phone rang, (one of those it will never happen to us phone calls) I think it was my dad first, then the hospital calling.  I called mom who was already on her way to pick me up….My brother, your uncle Michael was in the hospital and he did not come home, he died on October 25 at about 3:00 in the afternoon.  I had no resolve against that first drink, It didn’t even occur to me not to drink, is all I knew was that I was in terrible pain and non of our family knew how to handle grief we were shrouded in pain and I needed to cover it up, so I did, and not like normal drinkers who may have a glass of wine, or a couple of beers, oh no my drinking – out of control thinking - hard to function drinking!  Now I did sort of keep a good face on as I kept working although this was the same time that our company business went under.  Thank God for Rusty – one night he just asked me to stay and to stop – and I did…  I went to Real Estate School worked part time for another agent, I was not drinking but I was not healthy either.    I did not know how to grieve I did not know how to show my children how to grieve.   So I ended up with my license working raising kids and trying my best to keep it together…I stopped drinking so hard but started working alcoholically which is a sickness believe me..I also picked up some other bad habits to get me through…This went on for about 6 years, just getting through!  Well like most alcoholic stories there usually is - what we call - a bottom, which I hit, not as hard as some, like prison or mental institutions but trust me hard enough! I must stop here, I am mailing these last letters to you tonight I love you so much I pray for your heart to feel JOY, JOY, JOY to someday have the freedom that I have now…

Love you forever, mom

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